She is 17 and abusive toward others in the home, throws things, calls names, and bully's us. She will not follow the rules. My husband, her stepfather, fights with her all the time and cannot live with her. Neither can his 12 year old son. We have been married only a year. My daughter has always been mean to me. The doctor told her she thinks I am bipolar and then she told my daughter she is not the problem. That the home was the problem and she should leave the home. She has never had me as a patient and I can't recall if I said anything about myself. We always talk about my daughters behavior, her grades, her out of control behaviors. The last 2 times my daughter went to docs, she went by herself and said these things. Can she do that? Can she tell my daughter she should leave? My daughter left the home and staying at her grandparents and won't come home. We do fight all the time because of her aggressive passive aggressive behavior and rage. her behaviors are bullying, cussing, bossy, everyone is stupid, family, name calling, verbally cuts down, intimidation, and that is when she isn't mad. she throws lamps, punches walls, breaks doors from the hinges. won't clean up her messes, will not do chores, will not be respectful.
When I mentioned doctor, that was her physician. She is on adderal and she also sees a counselor. Well it sounds like your daughter definitely needs some help, but she's going to have to be open and receptive to it for it to be effective. Does she lie a lot? A doctor can tell her anything, but usually they don't say things that are untrue. However, I find it hard to believe a doctor could diagnose you as bipolar without talking to you. I wonder if cognitive behavioral therapy would help her at all. Sounds to me like medication may be needed too, if she was even willing to take any.
Her life at home probably is affecting her stability. If you guys can't stand to live with her because of her behaviors, and she can't stand to live with you because she feels you're the problem, perhaps this is the best thing. You love your daughter, I'm sure, but she is almost 18. Do you want her behavior to ruin your new marriage? I personally know someone who eventually got divorced, after 20 years, partially because of a step-daughter with similar behaviors. There were other problems in the marriage, but that was one of them. Children with behavioral problems can be a big strain on the family.
The biggest question I guess is: is she doing better there? If she is, then she should probably stay. Do you want to bring her back into the turmoil of your home, with everyone fighting all the time? It's not going to help her condition, and it's not going to help your family life.
I answered you so late at night I didn't do much reading. Here's a really helpful site on Opposition Defiant Disorder:
http://www.squidoo.com/oppositionaldefia...
They theorize this may be caused by getting stuck in the behavioral stage of a 3 or 4 year old. They also believe it might be caused by a child's interaction with adults. Half the kids with it also have ADHD.
Are you certain she hasn't progressed into Conduct Disorder?
http://www.focusas.com/ConductDisorders....
What I read on one of the sites is that family counseling is needed early on. To reduce the conflicts and behaviors so a family can be more harmonious, and be the support the child really needs, especially when they venture into adulthood. If something is not done, she'll probably have trouble holding down a job and making friends, and these are the sorts of things that lead to illegal behaviors.
Since she's 17 and still has it, it's unlikely she'll ever outgrow it. She really needs help. And so do you guys, so you can give her the help you need. The two sites I sent you are really helpful. If you just get her to cooperate, perhaps you can stop things before they get worse. Right now it sounds like she's definitely lacking the tools she needs to make it as an adult, and that is a serious problem.
Also, if it's not already, perhaps her ADHD needs to be controlled with medication, if you can get her to take any. I don't like psychoactive drugs, even though I take them myself, but it might help things.
It's unknown why kids develop ODD. From what I gather on the site, her bullying and cussing, etc., is a symptom of her disease, not of your parenting style. I'm pretty certain that if you spanked her or hit her as one of the posters suggested, it would make things worse rather than better. She is not going to respond to that sort of thing. You'll only be feeding her "hatred" of adults and make you lose even more respect in her eyes. The poster meant well I'm quite sure, but we are dealing with a disease that causes serious problems... not simply a stubborn child.
Edit: You need a psychiatrist giving her medications, not a physician. And if it's your PHYSICIAN diagnosing you as bipolar, then I wouldn't listen to a word they say. They go through medical school to become doctors. Psychiatrists go through medical school, but also have to become psychologist to understand people. A plain old physician shouldn't be diagnosing many psychological disorders, including ADHD or Autistic disorder, etc., but most definitely they don't have the expertise to diagnose Bipolar, especially in someone they've never seen. You need a psychiatrist and a counselor. I'd put money down on a bet that a psychiatrist would at least add medications, if not change them completely. Please please please find her a psychiatrist. Physicians generally mean well, but they don't have the expertise. I have a friend who was getting Paxil from a regular doctor. He decided he wanted to switch to Prozac. The doctor told my friend to just stop taking the Paxil and switch to Prozac immediately. That was a VERY BAD idea. Paxil is one of the worst SSRIs to get off of and he had no idea. My friend was talking crazy and having weird side effects and started drinking. You need a psychiatrist.
Sorry for such a long post. I keep adding as you add information. :) I hope I'm being helpful at least. Well, is she happy there?
Also, if things are better at her grandparents...Maybe you -are- the problem. She's 17. Time to go. In a year or so, maybe less, she can just leave and never worry about it again.
Also, she's 17. Which might be why the therapist is telling her this. And perhaps if you didn't focus so much on her faults, and spoke kindly about her for once, she wouldn't feel so pressured around you. Oh well. You can get rid of her soon, anyhow.
Also, mind telling us about the things she "throws"? Or her "behaviors"?
Wait...Hold on...And another thing. Are you putting her into therapy just for the sake of cornering her with "evidence" about how horrible of a child she is? Is that what you think therapy is for? It's not a trial. She's not in prison. Therapy isn't about bashing one another with exaggerated misinformation to make the other person look like the criminal. It's for finding a solution. Tell me, is everything better suddenly at her grandparents? Then maybe she should stay there.
Wow. Agreed. Take her to a psychiatrist, a regular physician shouldn't be diagnosing mental disorders. And that doesn't sound like ADHD at all. Make sure to send her to a doctor that -hasn't- been mentioned in Time magazine. Don't send her to one of those child doctors either, she's almost an adult. Sounds more along the lines of histrionic disorder to me. I can tell you this from experience with my younger sister doing the exact same thing to our mom that she is only doing this to get at you. By the way..no a doctor cannot tell her that considering she is a minor. Since you have concerns with her behavior and you are a parent you have a right to set up an appointment without her to let the doctor know what she has been claiming. The doctor will not be able to let you know what your daughter has or has not spoken of of course but the doctor will be aware of her behavior at home and, with your permission, can discuss these issues with her and your daughter will then know that you have called her bluff. She want's out let her go. Don't call her. Don't ask about her. If she wants to be a piece of **** then let her be.
People are humbled by their regrets. Once she realizes that she needs you...$$$.... she will be singing a different tune.
Tell the grandparents that if she plans on living there longterm then she should find a job. As she has made it clear she wishes to be responsible for herself. If they don't want to keep the money tell them to just put it to the side. Once she get's sick of living at grandmas...and trust me she will she will have some money saved so that she can get a place and be out of everyone's hair.
P.S. As far as calling names and bullying...that's a mistake you made with your method of parenting. I'm the oldest...have a step dad...and had many problems at home. If I would have thrown things my father would have beat my ***. She is your child. She should respect you. |
