Please tell about yourself, your symptoms. Please tell your own story. I self medicated with pot and alcohol heavily between my 18th and 33rd birthdays; I mixed in cocaine toward the end. However, as I began to be more successful in my work, my self-medication, messiness, intolerance, belligerence, and irritability was tolerated by family and friends, 鈥渙h, he鈥檚 our brainy wacky brother鈥?
I always spent more money than I made. In the 1980s and 1990s, I made millions of dollars. The more I made, the more I spent. In 1998, I cashed out of an IPO with nearly $3,000,000 after tax. But, before a few months had gone by, I had purchased a house that I couldn鈥檛 afford, quit my job, and had to cash in stock in order to pay $800,000 in federal and state taxes. I divorced my 2nd wife, sold the house at a loss after 9/11 and split the money that was left over. I then proceeded to become unemployable, underemployed, and unable to hold down a job even when I found one. I ended up bankrupt by 2008.
In 2006, I had a nervous breakdown. I had been abusing pot (again) for the past 6-years, and had a run-in with my then boss. He spread malicious rumor and gossip about me and even spied on me. I ended up quitting, and asked a doctor to give me Clonazapam. I became unable to communicate, highly anxious, irritable and impatient. I couldn鈥檛 remember anything, and began to scribble notes in my moleskin; in the period of about 2-months, I filled up no less than 5 each moleskins .
I somehow found my way to a psychopharmacologist who pronounced me 鈥渂ipolar type II rapid cycling鈥? Here I was, 60-years old, broke, and my new shrink tells me he鈥檚 finally figured out what鈥檚 wrong with me.
He put me on 200MG of Topamax and 30MG of Mirtazapine, and I came out of my fog and began to speak lucidly. I quit pot and alcohol and for the first time in my life, the noise in my head began to quiet.
However, I had to earn a living, and I became filled with optimism and euphoria. My shrink and therapist鈥檚 notes say that I was clear and rational, but I proceeded to overspend again, and ran up an $80,000 debt on credit cards. I also proposed marriage to three different women. I just didn鈥檛 have the impatience and irritability and drug abuse to go along with the euphoria.
I had always believed that I had some sort of 鈥減sychic but real鈥?connection to the JFK and RFK assassinations. I believed that I had a psyhic connection to Quang Duc, the Buddhist priest who chose self-immolation to protest the Diem regime. I realize, now, the fallacy of my weird thoughts; but I had this belief for for over 40-years, between 1965-2008!
My life came crashing down after I withdrew $120,000 from my IRA to payoff the credit card debt.
Subsequently, I fell into the worst depression I鈥檇 ever had. It was physical; I lost 20-lbs. I moved my home to a smaller apartment, got rid of about 75% of my 鈥渢hings鈥?so I could fit into the apartment, and I settled into a state of 鈥渓iving depression鈥?
I鈥檝e been admitted to the Kaiser Permanente health system (an HMO in California), and am under the care of a Pyschiatrist and a Therapist. I attend group therapy sessions, classes, plus individual therapy. I clean the house, get my daughter to do her chores, cook meals, go shopping, exercise every day, and work hard every day. This has helped to fight the depression.
My shrink says that my reality is distorted on both ends. On the depression side, I believe I鈥檓 not being successful, when, in fact, my clients keep renewing my contracts and telling me I鈥檓 doing a great job. On the euphoria side, I over spend my credit cards and propose marriage to women serially.
At this moment, I seem to be in some sort of state of 鈥渁wakeness鈥? like I鈥檓 a Zen Buddhist Bodhisattva; it鈥檚 not unreasonable for me to be depressed about my shattered life. I鈥檓 wide awake and aware that I need to help my daughter (who is 17) leave home and go to college, even if I don鈥檛 have the money to support her. I have just a few months left to teach her how to cope with life. The first time I went manic I was in Mexico with my family. I was only sleeping 4 hrs a night and had tons of energy. I started talking about demons and hanging out with guys and girls way younger than me. Since then I've had a total of 5 manic episodes and been hospitalized each time. When I'm manic I have delusions like thinking I'm best friends with the anti Christ or thinking that I'm an angel. When I'm not manic my moods are either high or low. My mood is pretty much never normal. It's always too high or too low even with medications. I had two of my episodes on medications. I have also struggled with sleeping normal hours. For awhile I would sleep in two 4 hr periods a day. Now I will sleep for like 20 hrs and then stay up for 28 hrs. I try and try to sleep normal but I just can't. I don't want to take sleeping pills because my meds already make me more tired than a normal person. I don't know that the medications have ever helped me but I'm hoping that they will prevent a manic episode this time because I'm on lithium, where in the past I wasn't. If you have anymore questions feel free to contact me. I'm 22 years old and I was diagnosed at 11 years old.
Between the ages of 10-16 I was in and out of treatment facilities and group homes... Not entirely due to being bipolar, but partially. I was on and off of so many medications that I couldn't even begin to name them all... I was physically, mentally and emotionally abused nearly every day by the people that were supposed to be helping me. Most of the time, I felt like I was going completely crazy... No one cared about me and no one believed me when I tried to get help, to end the abuse.
I attempted suicide for the first time when I was 12.. A group home that I was in decided to lock me in a room 24 hours a day for several weeks, with no contact with other people aside for when I was given food or taken to the bathroom. I was so miserable and I couldn't take it anymore.
When I was 16, my mother divorced my step-father and decided to let me come home... I immediately stopped taking my medication and refused to see a psychiatrist as recommended. For a couple of years, I was at a loss. My ability to relate to other people was nil and I didn't trust anyone... I was depressed and I only left the house to go to school and while there, I slept through most classes. I didn't talk to anyone. I would sometimes stay awake for 2-3 days at a time, only to sleep for the same amount of time when I finally crashed... Every day was pretty much the same and it depressed me even more... I wanted to be normal, to have friends, but I didn't know where to begin. I didn't know how.
I was expelled from school within months of returning home... I freaked out in class and started screaming at a teacher, threatening her. After I was expelled, I had to go to court for the judge to decide whether I should be taken from home again. I talked to him, told him what I had been through the last time that I was in placement, and asked him for another chance... I asked him to allow me to get my GED and to give me the chance to adjust. He agreed to it. I got my GED when I was 17.
At 18, I went to college.... I was doing better and I thought that I was ready to get on with my life, but I ended up dropping out after the first semester.
I'm now taking classes online and while I'm still not a social butterfly and while I still have my ups and downs, I'm doing a lot better... I still get depressed and I still fall asleep crying sometimes but I have more good times than bad now and I know what I want to do with my life. I have things to look forward to and I'm finally, mostly, happy. |
